Thinking of Ghosting Your Therapist? Read This First

Ghosting: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

We live in the age of ghosting.

Whether it’s breaking up via text, or quitting work without saying a word, ghosting is the popular and modern day way of handling an uncomfortable situation. With the rise of technology has come the easy convenience of dropping friends, family, employers, and romantic partners like a hot potato.

Even mental health professionals are not immune to this phenomenon.

Though it’s difficult to find an exact number of how many patients ghost their therapists, the American Psychological Association says that roughly 20% of patients do not complete their therapy. Therapists will tell you they’re no stranger to their patients firing them with no word or warning.

“I would say probably around 1 in 10 people do this, usually within the first 1 or 2 sessions, which is normal,” says Derek Cragun, LCSW, of Salt Lake City, Utah. “You need to find someone that you click with. The real goal of therapy is to form an emotionally intimate relationship with the therapist, while they give you feedback about your interpersonal patterns.”

Sometimes it’s difficult to know if you’re clicking with a therapist. Early on in the process, it’s important to ask yourself if you feel safe with your therapist, is your therapist respectful and open, are they challenging you, and do you feel heard. Sometimes it might take a couple of visits to know whether or not you’re clicking.

Cragun says that there are a variety of reasons why a patient might ghost their therapist.

Maybe it’s because they fear intimacy and are unable to be up front with their therapist, or maybe it’s because they don’t like their therapist’s process.

When asked how ghosting makes him feel, Cragun says, “If I’m not a good fit early on, I don’t take that personally. That’s just part of the process. Early on I did take it more personally, but have since moved on from that. If it’s because I know I made a mistake, that’s hard. It triggers my own insecurities and I get in my head about it. If it is because the patient is avoidant in their attachment style, I suppose I get kind of sad for them. That is a hard one for both parties.”

For Chelsea H. of Texas, it wasn’t that she didn’t connect with her therapist — it’s just she felt empowered and ready to move on after only a couple of visits.

“My therapist said, “Stop focusing on surviving—you’ve got that down. Focus on thriving.” Turns out I am a very affirmation-centric type because that’s all I needed to hear!” She told her therapist she would call to schedule an appointment, but never followed up.

When we asked around to see who had ghosted their therapists, we received a variety of answers, ranging from the innocuous to the serious.

Kate M. of Texas said her therapist talked more than she asked questions.

She knew it wasn’t a good fit when her therapist played 20 minutes of a meditation app during her out-of-pocket appointment. “I told [my therapist] I was “going out of town” and then never got back in touch because I did not like her style and methods. I didn’t have the courage and didn’t know if it was constructive to share my true feelings.”

Hank B. from NY ghosted his therapist after he felt she wasn’t being attentive to his needs.

“I was sexually assaulted and she refused to discuss it,” Hank said. Bob S from Ohio. too experienced a traumatic life event and found his therapist to be unhelpful. “My parents were murdered and I was injured when it happened. I went to a medical health professional and his first comment was, “Oh my! I don’t know if I could deal with that.” [I] never went back; [I] never returned calls.”

But therapists aren’t the only ones who get ghosted—so do patients.

April D. of Texas was ghosted by her therapist of over 10 years. After their last session, April’s therapist gave her a series of excuses as to why he couldn’t book their next appointment. She point blank asked him, “Are you firing me?” He told her yes. When she followed up later to get her chart from him, he never returned her phone call.

While therapists are trained to handle patients disappearing on them, if you want to break up with your therapist and think you would feel guilty for ghosting them, then we hate to break it to you: You’re going to have to say something. And it doesn’t have to be very much.

Dr. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis writes for Psychology Today that simply telling your therapist that you are breaking up should be sufficient. She recommends saying something like “I think I don’t need to come in anymore” or “I’m not sure we click” or “I think I can handle things better now.” If your therapist is good at their job, mature, and professional, they will understand and not make you feel guilty or bad for ending your relationship.

Cragun seconds that transparency is key. “The patterns that play out between you and your therapist will play out with you in other relationships. It could be a corrective and healing experience to have the conversation and break up.”

Conclusion

Whatever your reason is for breaking up with your therapist, whether it’s because you feel like you no longer need therapy, or you think a different therapist would be a better fit, consider doing the slightly uncomfortable but ultimately simple and more respectful thing by saying something to them. While breaking up with them in person is probably preferred, even a voicemail, email, or text is better than nothing.

And if you’re currently experiencing a mental health crisis, please consider securing another therapist before firing your current one. That way you will have continuous mental health support.