The First Holiday Without You: How to Cope with the Holidays After A Loved One Passes

My beloved grandmother passed away last year.

She co-parented me with my mother, and she was a daily presence in my life until I went away for college. During college and after, I talked to her multiple times a week and would go back home for long visits. I was fortunate to have my grandmother well into my adulthood, but that didn’t make her death any less earth-shattering.

To this day, it is difficult to imagine a life without her; there is an emptiness that holds firm. Though I can go many days without dwelling on the fact that I can no longer pick up the phone and hear her sweet voice, reality always comes sweeping back in—hard. As the holidays get closer, I know it will be a particularly challenging time emotionally.

With its overwhelming nostalgia and cache of happy memories with loved ones, the holidays are a sad and stressful time for many of us. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first holiday or the 50th holiday since a loved one has passed—the pain always makes itself known. For my mother and I, we weren’t sure how we would handle the first holiday without my grandmother. Fortunately, we had friends and family that kept us busy, and we embraced both the joy and sadness we felt.

Nothing will take the pain away from missing a loved one, but there are some things you can do during the holidays to help you cope. Here are a few ideas to consider.

Create new traditions:

Holding on to the past makes us feel connected to our loved ones who have died, which is why it can be difficult to switch up traditions. However, reimagining the holidays in a world without your loved one can also help you find some comfort or enjoyment during this difficult time. Consider going on a vacation to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go to, or visit a friend. The Dinner Party, a network of young people who’ve experienced a major loss, connects those who are grieving to dinner parties in their area. They offer dinner parties in over 100 cities across six countries and have provided comfort to over 3,000 partiers.

Go ahead and let it out:

When you’re at a party with friends or family, the last thing you want to do is explode into a pool of tears. But you know what? You’re allowed to sob, wail or shed a single tear because you are grieving. You are allowed to feel a range of emotions during this time. This is normal and there is no timetable for grief. Crying can sneak up on you at the weirdest times. Certain smells, songs, words, visuals…the slightest thing can trigger a crying attack. Lean into it, and if you’re worried about upsetting the party, give yourself a couple of minutes in a private room.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you want:

If you don’t feel like leaving the house to attend a holiday dinner or party, that’s ok. If you go to a party and you find yourself having a good time, that’s ok too. There is no right or wrong way to experience grief. Grief is an unruly beast you can’t control. It can rear its head at any time, or lay dormant, for minutes, hours or even days. It can come and go and come and go over the course of a day or night. It’s ok for you to ride that roller coaster.

Talk about your loved one:

Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one. Tell stories of your time together, talk about their favorite things, and share some of your favorite memories. Though your loved one has passed away, it doesn’t mean they are forgotten, and talking about them can help you feel like they’re a part of the festivities.

Honor your loved one:

Your loved one’s legacy lives on through those who loved them, which includes you. The holidays are an excellent time to honor their life. Ways you can do this include, donate to or volunteer at a charity, light a candle for them at home or at your place of worship, create a small shrine or ornament for them, make a dish they loved, or watch their favorite holiday movie or listen to their favorite holiday songs.

Find support:

If you’ve been thinking about going to a support group or seeing a mental health therapist, now is a good time to consider going. Because the holidays are a challenging time for those who are grieving, support groups or a therapist can be helpful with understanding your emotions and offering tools to cope.

As the holidays get closer, know you’re not alone in your mourning. The holidays are difficult for so many, and while your grief is individual to you, you’ve now joined a club that understands your pain. This is the time to put your needs first, but know that there is a community of others to lean on, who will walk with you on this uncertain path.