Helpful Strategies to Avoid Conflict with Loved Ones Over the Holidays

Do you find yourself dreading family holidays? Do you have particular family members who, no matter what, seem to push every single one of your buttons? If so, you are not alone. You may have a cousin who intentionally takes an opposing position on a topic just to get a reaction from you. Or, perhaps you have an aunt who lacks self-awareness and makes offensive comments about your weight or life choices.

Whether it’s a cousin, an aunt or just a family member that you don’t particularly get along with, knowing how to deal with difficult family members during the holidays can be the difference between a conflict-filled or conflict-free holiday.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s don’t have to be toxic family holidays. With a few tweaks in your thinking and the application of some skillful behaviors, you can learn how to get along with family during the holidays.

Many contributing factors lead to an increase in conflict among families over the holidays. Mental health issues, siblings rivalries, unresolved issues from the past, jealousy, and differences in parenting styles are just some of the things that influence the level of conflict during family get-togethers.

How to Prevent Family Conflict and Improve Communication

First and foremost, when speaking with family members, it is important to determine what your goal is when communicating. Your goal will dictate how to talk to family members. For instance, is your goal to maintain a healthy relationship with the person? Is your goal to maintain your self-respect? Getting clear on your goal will help you determine which interpersonal skills you use.

Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is a therapy developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan that targets problematic behaviors by addressing different areas of functioning, including emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. As you can probably guess, the goal of interpersonal effectiveness is to improve the ability to interact with others. GIVE is a helpful acronym you can memorize and use when interacting with your loved ones.

GIVE Strategy

If your goal is to maintain the relationship, the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill of GIVE can help you achieve that. GIVE stands for the following:

G: Be gentle with the person you are talking to. This means no eye-rolling, scoffing, or smirking. Be aware of your tone of voice. You can even try gently smiling at the person (yes, even when you don’t agree with what they are saying).

I: Act interested in what the other person is saying. This can be done by using nonverbal cues such as maintaining eye contact and head nodding. Asking a follow-up or clarification question also shows that you are interested in what the other person has to say.

V: Validate the other person’s point of view. Try to see things from their perspective and identify their truth. Something as simple as “that makes sense” or “I can see why you feel that way” are easy, yet very effective validation statements. Remember, validation does not necessarily mean agreement.

E: E stands for easy manner. Smile, make light-hearted jokes, and keep the conversation upbeat; resist the urge to confront.

The skillful behaviors identified above are half the battle in keeping the holidays festive, merry, and bright. The other half of being effective with difficult family members involves keeping your thoughts in check. Make sure that the beliefs, perceptions, and thoughts you are paying attention to are healthy and flexible.

Healthy Beliefs

Below are some healthy beliefs to keep in mind when interacting with difficult family members.

• People can have a completely different perspective than you, and all perspectives are valid.
• You are most likely not going to change another person’s viewpoint, so don’t waste your time trying.
• You are connected to your loved ones.
• Everyone wants to be heard, loved, and accepted.
• You can disagree with someone and still love and respect them as a person.
• You don’t have to agree with someone to validate their truth.
• Everyone is doing the best they can.

If you are trying to be skillful by using GIVE and you’re applying the healthy perspectives mentioned above, yet you still find yourself in a situation where your personal limits, values, or boundaries are being disrespected, you can apply the interpersonal effectiveness skill of FAST. FAST can also be used if you need to say “no” to someone.

FAST Strategy

With FAST, the goal is to maintain your self-respect. The acronym stands for the following:

F: Be fair to yourself and the other person. Don’t personally attack the other person, make threats, or cast judgments.

A: A stands for no apologies unless you have made a mistake. You do not apologize for asking for what you want or need. You don’t apologize for being human. If you make a mistake, of course, you apologize and try to make it right. However, you don’t apologize for saying no, feeling a certain way, or maintaining a personal boundary.

S: Stick to your values. Don’t sell yourself out or jeopardize your morals.

T: Be truthful with how you think and feel. Don’t over-exaggerate, over-embellish, catastrophize, or lie to get your point across. You can say no without giving a reason or justification.

Additional Tips and Coping Skills

Some additional tips include:

• Drive yourself to the event if possible so you can leave the situation when you feel the need.
• Limit your alcohol intake so you can stay in your wise mind and reduce your vulnerability to act impulsively on your emotions.
• Avoid the person who causes you to feel tense, anxious, and disrespected.
• Take breaks (outside or in another room) to clear your mind.
• Remove yourself and go for a walk when you start to feel overwhelmed or overstimulated.

Most, if not all, families experience some level of dysfunction. This is compounded over the holidays when the overall stress level is increased. Being behaviorally and mentally skillful can help you reduce conflict and experience as much holiday joy as possible.